Suck Ups I Have Known, Part 1

This will eventually include me, but for now, I'm going with the latest and most annoying suck-up in my life.

Brilla. Everytime Fred sneezes, Brilla wants to send him a fruit basket. More than that, she wants everyone to chip in to send him said basket.

I don't want to play.

One thing I love about Unnamed Co. is that you only hear about the big catastrophes and sorrows and then, nobody comes around with a hat in hand. When The Big Cheese's dad died, an announcement went out to the company along with a little note that in lieu of flowers, please make contributions to the American Cancer Society. It was my choice, so I did. And it was small. Very small. Still, I had done something I wanted to do with no one holding a gun to my head.

The first Christmas Brilla worked an Unnamed Co., she sent an email to the group saying, hey, let's all pitch in for a gift for Fred. And I sighed. I have done this myself in vain attempts to suck up. The last boss I gave a Christmas present to laid me off. So, no. Don't want to play. I sent back an email saying I preferred we all gave gifts at our own discretion.

I found out later that Brilla, knowing Fred loves a certain type of liquor, had given him a bottle of some of the most expensive around. I don't even want to think of what she gave The Big Cheese.

I suppose there are a couple of reasons why I don't want to play this game. One is that I have worked at companies where someone came around demanding money at gunpoint for Stacey's baby shower, for Joanne's son's graduation, for Mike's 25th anniversary with the company, for this, for that. I got tired of it when it started to add up (in 1985) to more than $30 / month.

Since I've come to Unnamed Co., I have given exactly three gifts/donations, and one was basically forced from me. One was for Yentl's son's bar mitzvah and that I willingly and happily gave. I'm achingly aware that his time on this earth is extremely limited and wanted to do whatever I could to contribute to this celebration.

The other was for The Big Cheese's dad. I had seen TBC come in to work every day, walking slower, looking so weary that as I walked behind him, I was afraid he would just stop and not be able to move another inch. I ached for him, too. I wasn't able to make the wake or funeral, but I did send in a donation. Once before I sent in a donation anonymously after a co-worker's death and through the organization, got a note from the family that they wished I would come forward so they could thank me personally.

Money for the fruit basket was forced from me. I resented that.

And I resent the latest rounds of Brilla's sucking up. Again, I am annoyed at anything that disturbs my already-unsettled finances. There are times when shelling out $20 for flowers or layettes means I have to eat basmatti rice most of the week. I resent that.

So now that Mrs. Fred is about ready to pop with the latest youngun, we are being forced at gunpoint to give him a baby shower.

You know how I feel about babies. Imagine how I feel about baby showers. Woo hoo. You managed to reproduce. Um, that was your choice, right? So it's your responsibility, right? And you can buy the little tyke booties, can you not?

See? Just not happy about it.

If left to my own devices, I might have financed the creation of an afghan or some such. But here we go again with the 'Do Not Push' thing.

Anyway, Brilla's ambitions are obviously high. Let me just state for the record that if anything happens to Fred and Brilla somehow takes his place, I will do my utmost to find another position within Unnamed Co. Frankly, I think Girl Wonder would be the natural selection. Stavros is out because he has a terrible temper and is known to alienate customers. Me? Meh. Let's not go there.

Her latest sucking up involves Parent Co. In the company's virtual idea box, she has two ideas and both of them are related to Parent Co. This is blatant climbing and it annoys me.

Yeah, I have one out there as well. There is a prize for 'best idea'. The prize money wouldn't keep me in cat food for a month, but I realized when I came up with my idea, it was because the thought of this idea being implemented at UC made my little heart beat faster and I just thought it was so cool. The sucking up involved here is to do the Silk 'visibility' thing, so I'd better make sure it's a damn fine presentation.

I have to say one thing about Brilla that I know most people admire - she is an absolute freight train. She is a bulldog. She will never, ever, ever quit when she gets hold of something. She pushes as only a native born Jersey girl can.

I guess that's good. I hope they appreciate it at Parent Co. Maybe they'll appreciate it so much that they'll move her to HQ, located in Faraway, Massachusetts.

Me, I just want to be turned loose to go to BEA and the tech expos and become sort of a wandering gatherer / gleaner / synthesist. Highly doubtful. But that's what I'd like. In my own sucky-uppy kind of way.

Fireman Fred's Refugee Camp

I think some ambitious psych grad student should do a study on the lingering effects of multiple layoffs.

I think the worst is over now for me, but I doubt I will ever have that snug feeling of safety I had when working for Mighty Citadel Senior many years ago. I know that since re-inserting myself into the workplace, I have fallen prey to:

- paranoia.
- inward hysteria. It might make it onto the blog pages but it never gets shown to anyone outside the few chosen friends.
- an overwhelming tendency to cower and submit to everything, including random pieces of office furniture.
- a feeling of being a fraud.
- an absolutely surety that behind every closed door, a conversation was being held on how and when to sack me.
- a swing from complete miserliness to "tomorrow, we will die" spending.

And that's just for starters.

Every one of Fireman Fred's minions is a survivor of multiple layoffs. Brilla, Girl Wonder, Stavros, and me. Collectively, we have been laid off a dozen times.

Even when you're expecting it, even when you know it's coming, it's still a shock to be handed your walking papers. If it happens more than once, the effect is deep and cumulative.

I think Girl Wonder has managed to stave off the worst of this, being sustained by a large and supportive family, a fiance who sounds too good to be true, and I'm guessing deep pockets somewhere within the vicinity.

Brilla and I seem to have had the same approach in coming to Unnamed Co., working above and beyond the call of duty. (I have to say, Girl Wonder has both a doggedness and laser-sharp instincts that are admirable to the point of being scary.)

Brilla also bears the burden of frequently being in pain. She won't say anything, but I can tell by the way she walks sometimes that her bad back is giving her hell. She keeps herself to herself. If I ask if she had a nice weekend, she will say yes and mention something vaguely like "we went to visit friends." I recognize this tactic. I do it myself, although not as frequently as I used to. It's to keep people at a distance, to stay at a remove, because if you get to know these people, it will hurt too much when you get ripped away from them. Also, it gives them less ammunition to hurt you with.

I think I have gotten over the absolute worst of it, but I'm not quite sure. I realized yesterday that I am completely freaked out over my new analyst-wallah title. I thought, well, it's essentially a glorified technical writer position. Okay - I can think of myself as a technical writer without freaking out, so internally, I will think of myself as a technical writer. What a relief.

I still have my panicky moments. I try to cope.

Stavros has been down the same path, too, but I think he's far from over it. In fact, it seems to have left him with more than a defensiveness, but an offensiveness. He attacks. He attacks at random, when there is no apparent need, but I'm coming to see that he does it when he's spooked about something. Yesterday, he went after me twice in two different meetings, for no apparent reason.

At the second meeting, Fireman Fred was there along with a new product manager, Giovanni. Stavros was leading the meeting and the first thing out of his mouth was, "The purpose of this meeting is to determine if Becs can deliver what she promised to deliver next Thursday." To which I thought, whoa. Stop right there.

Fred eased in silkily. "The purpose of this meeting is to determine as a team whether the dates on the the plan for deliverables are realistic and what we need to give Becs to aid in creating that deliverable."

Giovanni agreed. I think I like Giovanni.

I haven't seen Stavros in a product meeting before, but in every meeting I've seen him in, he always lunges right for the viscera. I have never seen him do this with a man, but I've seen him go after Brilla and me several times.

Stavros has issues.

In a way, I feel sorry for Fred. We are all damaged units, some in worse repair than others. Still, he knew this when he came to the position. He must have seen all of our resumes and been able to deduce laid off, laid off, laid off from each one.

As well as having to convince senior management that his new organization is a valid one and bringing us together as a team, he has to practice amateur psychology, too. It can't be easy. I don't envy him. I think Fred may be at Unnamed Co. transitionally and knowing this has made me certain that I must do all I can to block Stavros from achieving Fred's vacated seat. Not overtly, of course.

Who knew that one little group at a tiny little company could be as fraught with drama as the court of the Medicis?

In truth, we are all refugees. We just wear nicer clothes, but we all know that all it takes is for one harsh wind to blow and we're back on the road again with no office to call our own.

Meh

National Day of Mourning
The man who brought Kozy Shack pudding to a world waiting for the perfect rice pudding has died. Vincent Gruppo, according to the NY Times on 1/11, said Mr. Gruppo died on Dec. 29. Ah, if only Mr. Gruppo had known the comfort and joy he brought to me and my friends...Have some Kozy Shack today, even just one of those completely insufficient little cups, and raise it high in memory of Mr. G.

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Boy Wonder and the Whole Damn Mess
I am glad to report that Fireman Fred, even while absent from the office, has made clear his support for Brilla. Even Yentl voiced her opinion (as if you could get her to not say anything?). Brilla was feeling better yesterday and I noticed she seemed to be opening up a little. But Boy Wonder has not and never will apologize. Jerk.

Anyway, there still has been no official announcement of my new position, which leaves Yentl thinking I'm still on her project while I'm thinking I'm not.

And in the meantime, I'm beginning to realize the monstrous and mammoth proportions of what I'm s'posed to be doing for Boy Wonder. He lets little bits dribble out, not because he's afraid I'll freak, but because he keeps it all in his mind. I know that he thinks very little of most women, which is surprising of a man barely 30, but all evidence points to that as a truth. Then again, he may completely disregard any woman over 30 who is not a stunning beauty. He talks to Belladonna quite a bit.

Anyway. I digress. Yesterday, he dragged Girl Wonder and me into a tiny conference room and wrote on the white board: "Great Big Project is second to none! Not even Big Moneymaker!"

Big Moneymaker has been the company staple for over a hundred years, in one form or another. Apparently, Boy Wonder had just come from another senior management meeting where the subject was the glory of Big Moneymaker. "They sit on their asses all the time! They have twelve programmers! They have 30 salespeople! Of course they make money! But we're Great Big Project and we're going to beat their asses."

Uh...how about we just figure out WTF Great Big Project really is first?

"And by the way," he said to me, "I expect that project plan on my desk by noon tomorrow."

A project plan for a project that hasn't even gone through the initial phases of analysis or feasibility. At least outside of Boy Wonder's head.

And Fireman Fred's last lecture to me consisted of him basically telling me not to come running to him all the time.

Okay. Then what the hell am I supposed to do with this?

By the way, Girl Wonder's true colors have shown. I'm not surprised but I am disappointed. She is very, very good at what she does but I can tell there are times she wants to flick me off her hand like a sticky booger.

Ahem. Okay. Have I ranted enough for one day?

Uh....no. But I do have to get that #*%&*#! project plan on Boy Bozo's desk by noon.

Brilla and the Brighter Day

Usually, Brilla is in the office before I am. This morning, her cube was dark. Oh, crap, I thought.

I had to go into a meeting with Boy Wonder and - since we were the only two there - I lit into him. "You were terrible to her yesterday," I said.

"It's just bullshit, what she's doing!"

"She's doing it because Fireman Fred told her to." I was still standing up and was a bit, erm, heated.

"Then The Fireplug is a jerk and he's wasting my time and the company's money."

"No matter what you think about the process, you had no right to be just so mean to her."

Eventually, we settled down and got to work. No doubt Boy Wonder now thinks I'm a jerk. I don't care, as long as he thinks I'm competent.

When I went back to my desk, Brilla had just gotten in. I stopped in her cube doorway. I said,"I'm still a little astonished at what happened yesterday. I won't minimize my part in it, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. You shouldn't have been treated that way."

"Thank you," she said. "I appreciate that. I truly appreciate that."

I noticed with sadness that she was wearing her extremely faux Dolce & Gabana "Maid in Manhattan" outfit. And then I thought, maybe this is what she wears when she needs to feel strong. Maybe it makes her lift her head up a little bit higher. Surely I have something a bit ridiculous that I wear that makes me feel secure. Only in my case, it's probably something that's been worn to bits. Projecting, projecting, oh, yes, I know. But maybe in a good way. Maybe in a way that helped Brilla have a better day.

Yentl flung herself into the office today. She had been on the phone during yesterday's meeting. "What the hell was with everyone yesterday?" she said. "Where's Brilla?" And then went next door, where I heard - and people in Connecticut, Long Island, and White Plains probably heard it too - Yentl say pretty much the same thing I had said.

I had wondered what kind of response Fred was going to come up with. He didn't call anyone into his office behind closed doors. Instead, he sent out a couple of emails addressed to Brilla, cc'ing the world including Boy Wonder that Process A is Process A and is supported by senior management, so continue fighting the good fight.

In the afternoon, I heard Brilla on the phone. There's someone she talks to - look, we're practically sitting in each other's laps, we all hear each other's conversations - and she uses a completely different non-work tone. I heard her say, "Yeah...yeah...better. Better today."

Brilla and the Wolves

Poor Brilla. She thought she was going to the conference room to lead a review of her latest project. What she was met with, was three of these.

Of which I was one.

It happened so subtly but so quickly. Boy Wonder and Girl Wonder began to circle her. Brilla held her composure. And then suddenly, I found myself in it, too, ruthlessly telling her that this would never work. And then I remembered what I had gone through on Friday, how no one had shown me any mercy. I took a deep breath, emotionally regrouped, and every time Boy Wonder lunged, I tried to make a feint and draw him away. But his nature is far more brutal than mine and he is stronger than I am.

Girl Wonder was in on it, too, and the two of them seemed to work in tandem, striking head-on, then flanking Brilla and I couldn't hold them off.

Brilla bore it all with enormous courage and composure. She didn't cringe or cower. She stood her ground firmly.

The meeting ended quickly. When it was over, I went back to my cubicle. Brilla sits in the cube next to mine.

"Brilla?" I said as I thought I heard her footsteps. I did. She walked downstairs. She was gone for a few minutes, but then she came back upstairs. I said her name again. I got engrossed in something else and when I looked up, the light over her desk was off. She had fled.

I found Fireman Fred in his office. I closed the door. I told him what had happened in the meeting. "Telling tales out of school, I suppose," I said, a little shame-faced.

Fred leaned forward. "I've noticed it before," he said. "Especially with Brilla. Stavros kind of went after her in a meeting last Friday." Oh, Brilla. I am so sorry.

"It's good that I know this," he said. "She's doing exactly what I've told her to do and if the Boy Wonders of this company are giving her a hard time, I need to know about it."

I managed to slink away a little early. Oh, Brilla, I thought many times on the way home, I am so sorry. You were so brave. Please be strong tonight and tomorrow will be a better day. Of that, I am almost positive.