Balance

I've never had a good sense of balance.

The balance beam in junior high scared the bejeezus out of me and I fell off it regularly. We were supposed to, as a class, have our own individual routines to do at the culmination of the balance beam training. Mine was dumbed down to the point where I nearly walked across the floor in a straight line.

Now the uneven parallel bars - that was a different story altogether. I loved that. I suppose because I had the equipment to get the momentum going.

These days with the head meds, I generally go careening down the hall. Sometimes I bounce from side to side. Sometimes I keep one finger along the wall, just to give me that feeling of connectivity. I now go down steps one at a time.

But the balance within my head is a new and interesting thing, too. I think by now that I have at least four weeks of consistently taking all meds as ordered. I have been able to fine-tune the dosages within the parameters my shrink gave me. For example:

1 - 2 Trazadone per night: Two make me feel like I've been beaten up and will never rise from my bed again.

1 - 2 Risperdal per night: Again, two make me feel all beat up. I never did, thank God, try two Trazadone and two Risperdal on the same night.

Again, at my discretion is how I divide up the five Klonopin I take during the day. I've learned that I cope best with the world, taking them at 7 a.m., 10 a.m., noon, 3 p.m. and bedtime.

When I look at the tray of little compartments that I put together every Sunday evening, I'll think, wow. That's a lot of pharmaceuticals. And then I'll thank God or Sanofi or whoever, glad that the craziness seems to be gone or at least pushed so far back I can't see it.

I especially want to thank the people who told me bluntly that I was behaving in paranoid manner. I see clearly now that I was. The Risperdal has taken that away and saved me from enduring many anxious hours. Thank you.

It's a fine balance. I think I've got the hang of it for now. I pray that I do.

Holiday's Over

I just checked my work email.

I'm glad I did.

The Science Project has reared its ugly head again (after I spent many, many OT hours on it) and the analyst has said that the data isn't right. He sent this to me on Thursday, saying it couldn't wait until my return and that he would do it himself.

Fireman Fred will be off this week, but Boy Wonder (the product manager of The Science Project) will be. I expect him to jump up and down a lot.

This is enough to make me take "Hard Times" and chuck it into the trash can. I don't need any more triggers than I've already got popping off right now, thank you.

There was also a note from Fred that the guy on The Project of Doom is gone. I don't know if that means he gave two weeks notice or if he was marched out of the building.

What I do know is that it leaves The Project of Doom without a project manager and since I seem to be giving little satisfaction on, um, just about anything these days, would not be surprised to find myself assigned to it.

Nobody lasts more than a year on the Project of Doom. Which means I should start looking for a job. Like, this week.

Crap.