Balance

I've never had a good sense of balance.

The balance beam in junior high scared the bejeezus out of me and I fell off it regularly. We were supposed to, as a class, have our own individual routines to do at the culmination of the balance beam training. Mine was dumbed down to the point where I nearly walked across the floor in a straight line.

Now the uneven parallel bars - that was a different story altogether. I loved that. I suppose because I had the equipment to get the momentum going.

These days with the head meds, I generally go careening down the hall. Sometimes I bounce from side to side. Sometimes I keep one finger along the wall, just to give me that feeling of connectivity. I now go down steps one at a time.

But the balance within my head is a new and interesting thing, too. I think by now that I have at least four weeks of consistently taking all meds as ordered. I have been able to fine-tune the dosages within the parameters my shrink gave me. For example:

1 - 2 Trazadone per night: Two make me feel like I've been beaten up and will never rise from my bed again.

1 - 2 Risperdal per night: Again, two make me feel all beat up. I never did, thank God, try two Trazadone and two Risperdal on the same night.

Again, at my discretion is how I divide up the five Klonopin I take during the day. I've learned that I cope best with the world, taking them at 7 a.m., 10 a.m., noon, 3 p.m. and bedtime.

When I look at the tray of little compartments that I put together every Sunday evening, I'll think, wow. That's a lot of pharmaceuticals. And then I'll thank God or Sanofi or whoever, glad that the craziness seems to be gone or at least pushed so far back I can't see it.

I especially want to thank the people who told me bluntly that I was behaving in paranoid manner. I see clearly now that I was. The Risperdal has taken that away and saved me from enduring many anxious hours. Thank you.

It's a fine balance. I think I've got the hang of it for now. I pray that I do.