The outside doors of Ma Maisonette have always been a bit of a mystery. The front door locks are situated so that when they're locked, they look open. The side door was always sleight of hand. You had to know - just so - how to twist the door knob.
The side door is wooden, so it responds to humidity by swelling just enough that I have to give it a properly placed swift kick in muggy weather. The knob got trickier and trickier. And then one day last week, it was tricky no more. It just stopped working. All combinations of kicks and twists brought no good result. So now the side door doesn't work.
About two or three years ago, the front door lock stopped working. I called the first locksmith I came across. This is a mistake. Don't do this. It turns out that there are roving bands of locksmiths wandering from upstate New York to Delaware and it was my luck to get a delusional Israeli.
He installed the new lock and told me all about his adventures in the Mosad (sp?), producing a badge in Hebrew that should surely convince me. Uh huh. Right. And now you're a renegade locksmith in the US?
The real mystery came when I tried to get the key for the new lock copied. I went to five different key places and the guy in each one of them scratched his head and said, "I've never seen anything like it. I can't duplicate it, it's just not possible. Where did you get this?"
Oh, that? From an illegal immigrant who says he was in the Israeli secret service.
My last attempt was at the local locksmith, a guy I've dealt with several times before.
He told me something that I would like to pass along to you:
If you ever find yourself locked out of your house, call the police. They will send you to a reputable, registered locksmith.
Of course, I have a history of breaking into my own house, so there was one occasion when I did this. I used a sharp stick to cut the screen on a basement window and crawled in on top of the laundry sink. And when I was a teenager, I ended up doing it about twice a year because someone had put the chain on the door lock.
Today will involve a phone call to the Good Locksmith. And to the credit union because I still can't find my credit card. I know it's around here somewhere, but I just haven't been able to find it. Maybe the locksmith can help me.
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