When I got to work today, I discovered that Emma had tried to call me there over the weekend. Twice.
I knew she would probably call me again later in the day, and she did.
In the meantime, I got back the properly distant email from Xman, thanking me for letting him know I was okay. I wondered why it mattered to him after he had done such an effective job of running me off eight years ago.
Emma called in the afternoon. Her voice sounded dead. "Is this it?" she asked. "Are you not my friend anymore? Are you not speaking to me anymore?"
Cautiously, I said, "I won't be for awhile. I need to think about some things."
"I'm sorry you had such a horrible Christmas." But her voice was only weary. Then she told me her 84 year old mother had attempted suicide again this past Saturday. I said nothing.
This sounds cruel and horrible of me, doesn't it? But I know better. You're coming in on this at the end. You don't know about the several times she called me to tell me good-bye because she had just taken handful after handful of tranquilizers. Or the time she called me up, screaming and hysterical, threatening to slit her wrists. A thousand miles away, I was nearly helpless. I told her to either get Sven to check her into a psych ward, or I was calling the cops right now.
Three years ago when I was desperate for security of some sort, of any sort, she promised me three acres on her two hundred acre farm. When I went out to visit her that year, we walked up the rise to my theoretical three acres.
"So this is mine, huh?" I said. For the first time in years, I felt a tenuous little thread of hope and security sneaking out, like a tendril on a grape vine reaching for the fence.
Emma said brusquely, "Oh, no. No. We decided we'd only rent it to you. And you can't put a trailer on it, you know."
"Oh. So I would build a house on land I didn't own?"
"Yeah."
Quietly, I said, "I think things are going to work out just fine in Jersey." When I didn't think any such thing.
I have gone as far as I can here, for now. I don't know if I can go any further. But I do know I've gone beyond any call of friendship. And for now, I've had enough.
