Constant Alert

Not like I used to be when I lived with my mother and lived with Xman. I suppose that was walking on eggshells.

It's good to have a diagnosis that fits, even if I don't like it. (Bipolar. Ugh.)

However.

The downside of this is that I have to question every flash of genius that I have. I could try to look at it, judge it, and say either "That's a fantastic idea!" or "Hm. Sounds good." But I shouldn't trust either response. Of course, there are always the "Are you out of your mind?" responses to things like "Hey, let's go to the base camp of Everest!"

I look back over my life and hindsight being 20/20, I see the things that came about due to a fatal moment of mania. One was thinking I could be a good project manager. That came about because I answered one question, ONE question, in a book about project management. From there came a long string of manic moments that got me deeper and deeper into trouble. Is it any wonder that now I'm constantly second-guessing myself?

This will be a subject to take up with Dr. A once the new year and my new health savings account kick in.

What is the litmus test for a manic idea as opposed to a rational one?

Granted, my manic moments involve things like (see the above) buying a bracelet for $70 or saying "I can do that" before someone has even completed the sentence.

The past six months or so have consisted of me turning down things for fear that accepting them will get me up to my neck in things I can't do.

I can see where that will lead me if I continue down that path and I'm not keen on the final destination.

Right Here, Right Now

When I write, I get this....itch to go to where I'm writing about. In fact, it quickly becomes an obsession.

The book about the photographer who finds out her mother is a duchess and her boyfriend's a prince who *might* be her brother and her bodyguard/assistant is really her father and all around them, the Berlin Wall is falling? (Please. Be kind. It was a long time ago.) I was desperate, desperate to go tearing off to Berlin. I've never been to Berlin in my life, nor have I otherwise shown much interest in going, but I tell you what, I was ready to put on my traveling shoes during that November.

And of course, her mother the duchess-in-exile lived in Paris (bien sur) as did her boyfriend the prince. And I was just frantic to go to Paris. Of course I didn't. I was unemployed and Xman and I were living off the rest of my savings and his salary, so there were zero trips to Paris. And I also got it into my head that I needed to go to Rouen, but I forget why, now.

The one about the librarian/part-time detective was an easy one. She lived in Orlando, where - gasp! - I happened to be living.
This was the time when girl detectives drove funky cars and lived in funky places, so I gave her my first car, a 1973 blue Camaro. And I found out that in Winter Park FL, there are small houses that line the canals there, almost like elevated houseboats, so I had her living in one of those. Checking out the orange groves and wandering the country side was easy.

Sometimes, I can't go where I'm writing about. I was knee deep in a book set alternately in the depths of Angola and London and while I knew I would never set foot in Angola, I learned enough about it to write passably about it before I hit the Drop Zone. It didn't make it across the Drop Zone, in case you were wondering. Go see 'Blood Diamond' instead. I have a feeling it's pretty much the same story.

Luckily, 'Had she been beautiful' takes place in the Hudson River Valley (about a two hour drive for me) and New York City, an hour's train ride away.

The amazing thing about all of this is that imagination is stronger than I had ever believed.

Nutbag, now an author of eight books (yes, published but just about always remaindered, heh heh), once wrote about the center feature of a London park during the Regency era. She called it something like the Grand Fountain and when reviewers commented on her detailed description of it, she laughed, "I made it up! It doesn't exist!" Ah, but it easily could have.

I guess I've seen enough movies set in Paris so that I described it accurately, confirmed by my one trip there many years after the book was consigned to the bottom desk drawer.

So why can't I describe a deserted hunting lodge, abandoned by Soviet bureaucracy, in a former satellite republic? Why can't I have the un-beautiful woman know the sound of a neighbor's sleighbells?

This is the only magic I know that's real, this magic of the mind. Maybe it all comes from some big-as-the-universe reservoir we all have access to. It's addictive, though. And that's both a warning and an enticement.

I'm ready to go to Happy Valley, located close to the scene where 'Had she been beautiful' mostly takes place. I hope I'll go up there in the middle of winter, too, with the snow deep underfoot. And old New York is still here, too. You just have to know where to look.