The Black Dog at the Doorstep

I've been dealing with depression for the past week or so. It was particularly bad yesterday.

The job I was stalling on...what a SNAFU that has been! I met my potential boss's boss at the client, but not before he had done a no-show. That's right, I polished myself up and put on my best suit, only to be told that he had been called away to a meeting at another location and would meet me the following day, same bat-time.

I have learned that I will be paid monthly and that hurts like a bitch.

Sorry this is going to be disorganized. Thank you for dealing, if you dare.

I got an email from the recruiter yesterday, telling me that I had - a month on after this began - passed my background check and now I needed to fill out this list of forms, provide a copy of the first and last page of my passport, and two copies of passport sized photos. Dafuq? I'd already sent that information. Because I'd been off my antidepression meds, this sent me soaring into a rage that I could not calm all day. Even today, I'm pretty annoyed by it.

I have started back on the antidepressants, but it will be several days before I can trust myself to make a decision on anything - except this. I will respond to their email but I have had enough of the reindeer games and I'm going back strongly into job search mode.

Emma has also been deeply depressed lately and her mood has influenced mine to the point where the next-to-last time I talked to her, I found myself telling her loudly that I had to get off the phone. She misunderstood and thought a recruiter was calling me. After I calmed down, I lied to her and told her it was a recruiter with a gig in NYC.

This morning as I was having my coffee, I thought, I should do something that brings me joy or at least calms me down. I asked myself what that might be and found that there was nothing. I've learned over recent days that clonazepam calms me down, but there's a price to be paid if I take too much, so that's off the menu.

I don't leave the house. Well, for good reason over the past couple of days with air quality and heat advisories in effect. In the house, there is, as always, much to be done, but I don't do it. I've come to realize that I'm the laziest person I have ever known and yet do nothing about it and that, I suppose is true laziness.

If you've read this far, kudos and thanks to you. Sometimes even I don't want to be in my head. But better in than out, I suppose.