...And a Sock in the Eye

(Ed. note: Caps are for emphasis, not yelling.)

This morning just as I pulled into my random parking spot at work, two bright thin slashes of light went down the middle of both my eyes at the same time.

Holy crap, thought I.

Then I started seeing snow falling from the ceiling of my car.

Then I went into the building, all the while accompanied by a semi-circle shadow along my right temple.

Once I got settled at my desk, I did the stroke test and passed, although it freaked me out that the right side of my face felt both tightened and a little numb.

I called my eye doctor's office and left a message. It was hard to concentrate on work.

Migraine, I thought. Detached retina, I thought. In both eyes? Can't be. But the left eye wasn't acting up any more.

When my eye doctor's office returned my call, they said, "Um...can you come in today?"

I said I could be there within half an hour whenever they wanted me.

"Um...can you come in now?"

I said sure, then told everyone who needed to know and off I went.

While I was driving, two new symptoms appeared. One was a long brown line across my field of vision in my right eye, but it swirled like smoke. The other symptom was a suddenly increase in floaters and these were black. They moved together like a flock of crows.

The eye doctor, who was new to me, peered into my peepers and said, "Do you see how much larger this vein is in your right eye? Maybe there was a blockage that moved on through and caused what you saw."

Maybe it was winged monkeys, are you telling me I had a stroke in my EYE?

He continued,"You've got vitreous tears in both eyes."

Vitreous? Isn't that connected to the fucking RETINA? Yes. It is.

"Um...I'd like you to go to a retinal specialist. Do you have time today?"

Why yes. Yes, I do.

I went to the retinal specialist. They took pictures of the inside of my eye. They did an MRI of my eye. I got to see all that stuff and it was so cool.

Quoth the specialist: "What you had this morning was a migraine, an opthalmic migraine. But look here? See that? It's about 99% likely that you're going to get glaucoma. Oh, and by the way, you have a hematoma on both optic nerves. Anyway, we'll send you a notice to come back to check you for glaucoma."

Hold on a second, slick.

Did you just tell me that I have BLOOD CLOTS on MY OPTIC NERVES? And you're not worried about that? Because I am. And yes, the flock of crows has gone away, but not all of the floaters. I'm glad the smoke one went away because that was particularly distracting.

It's a headache, yes, but it's something else, too, and you're just brushing it off? Nay, nay. I think I will be giving your office a call tomorrow morning.

Oh - here's the killer. Both doctors asked if I'd been under any stress lately.

No, not at all. Just for the past freaking ten years.