Taste the Rainbow

Once upon a time, my daily dosage of meds was a handful of very colorful pills. I showed it to Emma once and said, "Time to taste the rainbow" before chugging them down with a glass of water.

These days, the variety of pills I take are all white or pastel. No more dramatic colors.

But they work.

Finally.

I think two things helped kick it over the (good) edge.

Thing 1: Adding Zoloft into the mix. I'm still taking Wellbutrin, but the theory now is that two anti-depressants are better than one.

Thing 2: Sorting things out into those little pill compartments. This has helped tremendously in taking my meds as I should and on time. Regularly.

So this is what it feels like to not be depressed. I remember this. I felt this way - I know I did - in 1995. After that, not so much. In fact, not at all. I know. That's a long time to be hanging on by your fingernails.

I remember this. I would go into work every morning, knowing what had to be done, confident that I could do it. I smiled at people and talked to them, but not for so long that it would interfere with anyone's work. I wasn't filled with self-doubt and self-loathing.

I like that.

Still, I am careful about not over-stressing myself and I know where my tender spots are. I know situations that will make things not-okay and I avoid them. Mostly, anyplace loud and with lots of flashing or very bright lights. No trips to Vegas for me. Sometimes I feel like they built Barnes and Noble just for me. If things get noisy at work - which they can do in a hurry - I always have my cell phone and ear buds to pop in and listen to Pandora.

I'm not delicate but I know my weak spots. And isn't that one place where wisdom is? I mean, besides your teeth.