Sometimes I Sits and Thinks

My life for the past eight years has been filled with so much static that it's been hard for me to do much thinking. But something about the party this past weekend blew away a lot of the cobwebs. And I believe that a small part of it was due to the relief of Anonymous Boyfriend's departure.

I have blamed myself so many times for my being laid off. And there's no doubt that some of my actions led to that, but what I see in sharp focus now is that I was thrown down on the altar of the bottom line, along with millions of other people.

I also realize that I'm lucky. I recognize one of my strengths is getting that locked-laser focus on something and doing just about anything and everything to get to that goal. That's why I was able to get a job.

So where did that laser focus go in other aspects of my life? I think I was so busy believing myself unworthy that I wouldn't even think about goals. That's not the case now.

I have one goal now, the same goal I've had since I was a child. I am going to be a writer who supports herself rather well by writing.

No, I know better than to quit my day job. But this weekend, I'm going to sit down and think about what steps to take to get myself into a position where I can eventually do that.

This was sparked by a couple of things. It was sparked by Queen Mediocretia's comment about why my friends come around - because I tell them stories. This is true with both the Speechifiers, who seem inexplicably to love me, and my blog pals. Some traveled hundreds of miles to come see me. Some traveled thousands of miles, which boggles my mind. But it's true - stories were told. When I regaled Cousin Karen and RCW with The Tale of Fingerless Bob on the way to the airport, they screamed with laughter and disbelief. I loved it. Cockles of my heart, consider yourselves warmed.

It was sparked by all the mire and murk and nastiness being cleared away on one bright and perfect October Sunday.

And in some way I can't quite figure out, it was sparked by reading more and more news stories about The Great Recession, which (hello!) is still with us.

But mostly, it happened because I finally unlocked my heart and dared to believe that this can happen.