Sigh. Once more, Father's Day falls on my birthday. The irony of this never escapes me, since my father left my mother and me when I was less than a year old. He never spent a birthday with me. Ever.
He died six years ago. I found his obituary by Googling him. I was not listed in the obituary. I am the oldest of his children. I am his only daughter. And I think my half-brothers may not even know I exist.
It may easily be that I'm fortunate to have never spent any time with him, since he was an alcoholic and had been diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. I never knew him. I know that I hoped he would rescue me from my mother's abuse, but she scared even him. So what good was he?
I have had the chance to see wonderful fathers interact with their daughters. I can't watch it for very long, though, because you know this is all about me and it makes me burn with jealousy and sadness.
Once, I heard that a daughter's idea of her attractiveness and her budding (innocent) sexuality is based on her father's (innocent) interaction with her. She's daddy's little girl. Daddy's princess. Papa's star. Of course she think she's adorable - nobody loves her like Pops does.
This I got from exactly no one. My mother and grandmother tried to force it from my grandfather. In retrospect, I never missed it and should be glad he never turned his eye on me. All I ever got out of him were comments like, I was light on my feet for a fat girl and that I was built for comfort, not speed.
So listen. If you're a dad. If you're an uncle or in a position to make a positive difference in a girl's life, do it or I'll come whup your sad ass.
2 comments:
Somewhere in the world, I have an older half-sister. My dad had a youthful dalliance, shall we say, when he quit high school for the Army. He wasn't told about the pregnancy, the girl married, and when he returned she didn't want him to have any contact. This would have been some time in the late 40s.
I know about this only because the girl in question was my aunt's friend. She told us about the situation after my dad passed, but won't tell us anything else.
So, I have a half-sister who knows nothing about me and her two half-brothers (also my half-brothers). It feels strange to know my dad had four children but only 3 of them ever knew him or each other.
Happy Birthday! You deserve a Little India sweet treat today.
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