An Open Letter to the Feebs-Meister

Dearest Peewee,

Last night, I put us both through it, didn't I?

We took a shvitz twice. The smoke alarm in the hall next to the bathroom went off three times. You suffered saline drops in your nose. You let me put that little mask over your surprisingly tiny nose and puff meds into it.

I reloaded the vaporizer. I turned on the air filter in the bedroom. I turned on the heated mattress pad - both sides! - and then I brought you into bed with me.

You positioned yourself right by my side. Then I reached out to touch you, and you purred.

Today, your breathing is not as laborious. You've even made your customary squeaky noises at me a couple of times.

Now, you're sitting directly in front of the vent for the large-room air purifier. You like it. I also have a fancy shmancy new furnace filter in and I have the fan going for that. I bought a warm air vaporizer, a snazzy new one that has all kinds of bells and whistles on it.

It's worth it to see you sitting there, like nothing ever happened. You don't know that your life was in the balance at least three times. You don't know that twice I was so desperate, I thought of putting you down rather than seeing you suffer. I know, though, that we still have a ways to go to master this whole process.

It grieves me to keep the windows closed, but so it must be. It grieves me not to wear perfume. It grieves me to realize that I can no longer use my favorite chemicals to clean the house. No perfumed candles! No plug in air fresheners. (For sale: extensive collection of Yankee Candles. Variety of sizes and scents. Inquire within.) No sandalwood incense from Little India.

It was all worth it when I put my hand on you last night and fell asleep with you purring next to me. I didn't know, you see, that I love you so much. I didn't let myself accept that you are a charmer and a showgirl (if a zaftig one...), that you are a key factor in my weird little life. I couldn't let you go that easily, with such cowardice.

You don't know it, but my state income tax refund came today. And I just spent it all at Target on you. Well. Mostly on you. I did buy myself some Kozy Shack. You don't mind, do you, Feebs?