Inside Out

When I was beseeching Son of E to come back to finish the work he'd started on my bathroom, I had a rare glimpse of insight.

What he told me he was seeing, in so many words, was someone who kept his family at arm's distance and didn't want to be affiliated with them. (Oddly prophetic...)

What I had been trying to do all along is to not impose myself on them, especially when I found myself in places where I felt unwelcome, such as in Ralph's presence. If invited, I showed up on time or a little early to help and once things were tidied away, gave Annushka a little kiss and fled to the Bullet. I figured she would want time to talk to her daughters and her real family.

It shocked me that I was seen this way - that I was seen as a bad person when it had taken a great deal of effort and thought for me to behave in a way that I thought was best and non-imposing.

I'll bet Son of E is not the first person to see me this way.

How odd to think that a lifetime of shaping my habits to be unobtrusive and polite were seen as cold and distancing. What a shame that what seemed so plain to me was seen as the exact opposite by others.

At this point, I really don't care anymore how people see me. I try to rein myself in at work, but don't know what good or harm that does.

It doesn't really matter anymore, because there's no one left for it to matter to. This is not 'boo hoo poor me', this is the simple truth. My cousins in Richmond don't return my calls. My cousins in Maryland have never even invited me to their house, much less contacted me since my aunt's death. My cousin in Florida will send me an email every couple of months and get me all worked up about getting together Back Home in Georgia. The Georgia cousins I don't hear from at all and personally, that may be a good thing.

Having had that insight, that what I try to project to the world is seen as its exact opposite, I give. My efforts have not just been fruitless but misguided. So I stop. And I'll just do what the hell I want and at least I'll be happy and comfortable.

So, yes. I'm the fat weird loner cat-lady who reads too much, eats lunch alone, quotes movies nobody remembers, and sometimes gets wild-hared ideas.

That's me.

To quote dear Dottie:

In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please.
To change with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do.
And if you do not like me so,
To Hell, my love, with you.