If you live in Florida for more than two years, you quickly come to realize that the literary fictions of Mr. Carl Hiaasen are largely probable and more than likely not fiction at all.
I've heard people say this about California, that if you tilted the entire United States up from the east coast, everything that wasn't nailed down would roll into California. What seems to be true about Florida is that if you lift up the northeast and upper midwest, all the white trash that isn't nailed down will roll into Florida.
I've got lots of stories, but I just have to tell you this one. I wasn't even living in Florida when I happened, but when I read about it I wasn't surprised.
In 2006, a crack addict named Adrian Apgar (that is such a Florida name) found himself in the chilly early morning hours with his cell phone in one hand and an overwhelming desire to go wading naked into a canal inhabited by many hungry alligators. So Adrian took off his clothes and left them on the bank of the canal and about five seconds later, found himself getting dragged under the water.
He suddenly rethought his plan while the gator sank his teeth into Adrian's arm. Adrian began hitting the gator on the head with his cell phone. When allowed to surface, Adrian screamed for help. A guy walking his dog heard the commotion, called 911, and ran down to the canal to see if he could be of any assistance. He could not. The gator was doing the twirl-and-drag-down-into-the-murky-depths dance.
Florida's finest arrived and four guys had to wade into the gator-infested water and play tug of war with the gator, using Adrian's remaining limbs.
When they got him out and to the hospital, it turned out that Adrian's left arm had to be amputated four inches above the elbow. His right arm had been badly broken, the gator had bit him on the legs and taken a big chunk out of his ass.
At the time, Adrian's family requested that the press leave them alone while Adrian sorted himself out and recovered.
Two years later - in March of this year, as a matter of fact - the sheriff's department got a call about some crazy naked man going wading into an alligator infested lake. When they arrived on the scene, they recognized Adrian's car and moments later, Adrian himself. How many naked one-armed crack addicts are there in Florida trying to make nice-nice with the nasty gator? Wait. Don't answer that.
Anyway, the sheriffs took Adrian into custody and to the local hospital for observation. They'd gotten to him before the alligators, but were concerned about Adrian being a danger to himself. So he was admitted and later transferred to another facility where, one assumes, he dried out or whatever it is that crack addicts do.
That was in March. Adrian had a court date of early May. He didn't show. Adrian Apgar, FTA. (Failure to appear to you non Janet Evanovich readers).
You would think it would be fairly simple to find him. And if he isn't naked on a lake shore or a canal bank someplace, I think you can bet he's in some gator's belly.
I briefly wondered if this was like Captain Hook and Tick Tock Crock, but I just don't think Adrian's got that Ahab instinct. I think he's got the Florida instinct.
So when you read Carl Hiaasen's tale of some hit man walking around Miami with the severed head of a Rottweiler bandaged on his hand, don't think it's ridiculous. Think that it's just like Adrian.
3 comments:
In defense of the state where I was born and lived my meagre 43 years, I would suggest Mr. Apgar might have moved to Florida to enact his crazy. Many people, it seems, move to someplace warm to get their crazy on.
I watched a lot of them driving land yachts up the wrong side of the divided highway. Most of the time all you could see over the steering wheel was one of those bucket hats or a puff of blue-white hair.
Those who were born there know to just stay the hell inside the house.
This just in:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,370763,00.html
Thought you'd enjoy it.
He seems to think it's the alligator's fault.
We don't have alligators up here - we have rattlesnakes and copperheads, and even children know you don't go poking in brushpiles. I'd say Florida has a learning disability.
Sherri - Every state has Apgars. It just seems that Florida has a higher concentration of them. Perhaps the more flamboyant ones move south. I have some pleasant memories of Florida and some day I will blog about all three of them.
Silk - Thanks! I saw this and this is what called to mind the adventurous Mr. Apgar. I wanted to see what he had been up to and at the time of the first incident, no one was saying what the gator had et of him. There are many of the opinion that the next time he wants to get closer to his reptilian side, the deputies stay out of it.
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