I have been affiliated with a family - not my own by birth - for over thirty years now. Several years ago, the matriarch of the family, who is a dear friend and has described me "like a daughter" to her, married a widower.
The widower and I did not hit it off although we have managed over the years to be polite and agreeable. He has a large family of his own from his previous marriage.
Every summer, the widower takes his grown children and grandchildren on a ten-day visit to Myrtle Beach, where he rents a huge house.
The matriarch's daughters have been invited and over the past five years, this has become a tradition.
I have never been invited. This hurts me deeply. I understand that the house he rents is his to do with as he pleases. However, it hurts me to be left out.
This evening, I was at a family gathering and there was a great deal of talk about the upcoming family trip to the beach.
It was nearly unbearable for me. Had it not been a special occasion, I would have excused myself and left early.
Is it presumptuous of me to expect to be included in those vacation plans?
Is it inconsiderate of them to discuss it in front of me?
And I might add, there was also mention of a child's graduation ceremony coming up this week - to which I was not invited.
Miss Manners, what would you advise me to do? Should I speak discretely with one of the daughters to make my feelings known? I realize it would not get me an invitation. The only thing it would do would be to let them know it is painful to be left out and rejected.
Aching,
Becs
3 comments:
As has been hammered home to me over the past two weeks, being "like family" isn't being family. You are supposed to be sad for their misfortunes, and happy for their good fortune, but it's to be understood that it's not yours. Not really.
There's nothing to say to them. If anything, it might widen a gulf.
In my case, I'd lose nothing. There IS a wide gulf. In your case you could lose a lot. They might be more careful about including you in family affairs.
"Like" can hurt. Yup.
My friend Linda, whom I've known for 20+ years has a cabin/house up at Truckee, near Lake Tahoe. I have never been invited to go there. Lots of other friends have, over the years, gone there for long weekends. Not me.
I'm not sure, but I attribute this to the skin thing -- as in, if Teri comes, she'll get skin everywhere, and we'll have to clean it up because she can't.
Which is inescapably true, until I win the lottery and can hire a skin wrangler to follow me around with a Dyson.
My sister got an apartment up a flight of stairs when she ditched me and moved out of here to "be alone". I don't know if she looked for a ground floor place or not.
My parents are still talking about making a wheelchair accessible path along one side of their house. I doubt it will happen.
I have a friend whose father has repeatedly bought new homes which are not accessible, even though she's been in a chair for 15 years.
It does hurt, but I firmly believe that saying something will not help. It might make people feel guilty, but that isn't an emotion that usually promotes the kind of behavior one hopes for. In fact, it can cause people to want to avoid the person/thing that is making them feel guilty.
Ter Bear - come to casa mia anytime. I've been your wrangler before and I'll do it again. I don't have a Dyson (if only) but I do have a Hoover and I am not afraid to use it. To me, it's like ironing - the results are immediate and gratifying.
Silk - Yes, 'like' can hurt. Quite a lot.
I've decided not to say anything. Pointless. But I will not watch E's damn dog while she's gone.
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