I Drew a Circle

Dr. L and I are picking over my late relationship with Anonymous Boyfriend. But it's more than just that.

I tell him the things I liked about Anon Boy. I tell him secrets about Anon Boy I have never told anyone else. Things I won't reveal here but will make it all that much harder to tell you the impact of just 40 minutes with Dr. L. today.

I came out of his office with my heart a little heavier than it had been when I'd gone in, because I realized some things.

Again, I'm sorry to be so vague. But anyway, I mentioned something to Dr. L that I thought signified the possibility that Anon Boy had loved me. He did not comment. It was something that Anon Boy had kept, something of me that I thought he had kept because...well, because he loved me.

And on the way home, it hit me so hard, my head ached and my heart hurt and I wanted to pull over to the side of the road and cry.

He didn't love you, jackass. How many times did he tell you this, that he never throws anything away. It wasn't love. It's a compulsion that has nothing to do with you. Get it? Nothing to do with you.

Oh, man.

But wait, there's more.

Some of this he said directly to me, some of it he hinted at, and for others, he told stories to illustrate a point.

I am afraid of people and given my past history, with good reason. Over the years, I have managed to let absolutely nobody in. (You may think you're in. I'm sorry. You aren't.) People have tried, but I think it was mostly to see if they could do it. My personal space is literally arm's length. Mentally, arm's length, too.

The relationship with Anon Boy was ideal as it was. He didn't want to get closer and I didn't want him to get closer. Until I thought I loved him. And I wanted him to love me back.

Any couples therapist will tell you that the minute the initial contract of the relationship is breached, all bets are off. And so it was.

But once more, yet again, this is about me and not Anonymous Boyfriend.

I told Dr. L that I get along surprisingly well with the men at work who are in their mid to early 30s. In short, men who could be my sons. There is banter and witty repartee, but it's all very safe.

Dr. L said, "You've made a bargain with people. They'll stand out here - " he indicated about a yard's length away from me - "And you won't beckon them in."

What happens if you let them in? What happens? Do they eat away at you? Is it like having acid splashed on you and you dissolve? What happens? Do they leave you, penniless, cold, and hungry? What happens if you let them in? Will you spend the rest of your life regretting it?

And I can only think, yes, yes, it's true, that's what they'll do and it will burn until you'll wish you were dead.

They'll get bored. They'll get what they want. They'll make promises they'll never keep. And when they've taken whatever they've wanted, if they don't leave, they will turn their back on you. And they'll still be gone.

That's why I keep you away. That's why I tell funny stories. That's why I mock myself, so you won't. This far is far enough. No closer, no closer. There's no need. There's nothing in here that will surprise you or endear me to you. It's only me.

Did any of them ever love me? I don't know. I won't let myself believe it. Because they still turned around and left me. And I sigh and shrug and say I'm all right with that. And I've actually started to believe it.