Take Your Demon Spawn To Work Day

Can I tell you that I think this is a very bad idea? Very, very, very bad.

There are a few children in this world that I like. There are a few I tolerate. Most of them, I don't care for at all and as Georgie Pilson says so frequently in the "Lucia" books, "Children are so sticky."

Congratulations on the rare few of you who have children and have done well at it. Now please do us all a favor and make sure they're where they're supposed to be. Acceptable places for children: School, most especially. Libraries, where they do not act like Mongol hordes come in to pillage the interweb. Any variety of sports practices deemed for their age bracket only. Fast food restaurants which I do not frequent. Movies I do not frequent.

I was horrified today to read an opinion piece by a woman who I believe works for the Washington Post. She (a breeder) believes that not only should one day of the year be reserved for the little darlings, but "everyone adores the smiling, innocent faces of children" and that children should be at work every day. She has obviously not consulted me.

I find that generally, children are afflicted with running noses, poor hygiene habits, and suffer a complete lack of manners. The last place on earth one of her cooing, snot-nosed brats belongs is in the office next to mine.

Don't bring them to work. At all. Ever. Not even on a Saturday. Especially a Saturday when I'm working. Let the work world come as a baptism of fire as it did to most all of us.

Do not assume I will find them darling. I don't. And truth be told, most people only like their own children. I do not want your children coming into my cubicle and trying to win me over with charming gap-toothed smiles while wearing lots of pink.

If you want to amuse me and captivate me, send David Sedaris to my cube.

I'll probably get as much done then as I did today.