In Which I Want to Kick Fireman Fred's Flat Ass

Since the middle of December, I've known that I'm getting a big raise and a new title/position at Unnamed Co. Le Grand Fromage had only to sign the paperwork and it would be done. Well, Grand as Le Fromage is, he was not easy to get hold of for the past month. He has a three week trip to Hong Kong, the Christmas holidays, and then the sales conference in Cancun. But lo! A miracle occurred and he signed the paperwork.

I'd been working on a new project and was getting ready to give a presentation on it to the folks in FF's group. Knowing that I have recently developed a 'deer in the headlights' response at random moments, I was sitting in my cube, getting ready to go over my notes and arrange the meeting in my head. But FF showed up and said, "Let's go over your presentation." WTF? So for that vital half-hour, I was in his office, justifying every slide and the contents of every slide and the design of every slide.

Half an hour before the meeting, he changed nearly all of them.

Two minutes later, the meeting began. Of course it was a disaster. What else could you expect?

I walked out of the meeting feeling downright pissed off. He called me into his office again, rolled his eyes and said, "Well!" I didn't lose it. What I said was, "You threw me off my game." I was civil, but when I walked out of his office, I was fuming and this time, was not so politic as to not let it show. Not that there was anyone else around to see me fume, but still.

I sat at my desk, trying to compose myself and get myself together enough to finish up the day. I was slightly amazed and gratified that I did not want to kill myself. Believe it or not, this is progress.

By four o'clock, I was ready to call it a day. I started to clear off my desk and get my things together. And once again, he called me into his office.

He motioned for me to close his door. In his hand was the final official piece of paper with Le Grand Fromage's signature on it. Done. Signed, sealed, delivered. I am now an Analyst Wallah.

You would expect this to be a moment for hearty congratulations. It wasn't. I looked at the piece of paper. I saw a new title, a pleasing number written down as my salary, but the little box for "Promotion" was not checked. Hm.

"Sit, sit," Fred said and I did.

He took a deep breath and I thought at once, uh-oh and WTF?

"You know, this is a big, big deal. I want you to understand and appreciate what a big deal it is." I'm thinking - why? Why is it a big deal? He never elaborated. I should have asked. But he went on.

"Going over the job description, you see that it calls for the ability to lead meetings. Now what are we going to do about that?" Uh, you kiss my abundant white ass and apologize for hijacking my meeting?

Well, he be preachin right now, you see the Spee-rut got him and be talkin through him.

"I know you can do this. I know you can fly - I've seen it. But for some reason, you always - I guess return to the nest."

I have heard about birds who, once launched, never rest again until they nest to hatch the next generation but that story always struck me as horribly sad. I don't want to be one of those birds. By now, my shoulders sagged and I was thinking, are you sure you want me for this job? Am I sure with all this management support that I want this job?

"And this job calls for the person to work with minimal supervision. You know I've been coaching you and you've responded well to that." I threw up just a little. "But you have to...." blah blah blah.

I walked out of his office with the piece of paper in my hand, looking at it, thinking of what he had just said to me and thinking, what the ... ?

This should have been the happiest day I've had in about eight years so far as my job goes, but Fireman Fred took that joy, effectively gutted it, threw the guts on the ground, pissed on them, then poured lighter fluid on them, set them ablaze, and watched them burn while expecting me to sing "Kumbaya" in the cheery glow of the campfire.

There was no joy. Instead, he managed to scare me, sadden me, and piss me off at the same time.

Still, I tried to work myself into being happy about it. I wasn't, very, but I wasn't going to let the day go by without some observation. So I called E and we met for dinner, where I treated us both to a very nice meal.

This morning, I thought about what FF did to me yesterday. And I would really, really, really like to kick his flat ass with my size 9 1/2s.

Oh - and I did get a call back about the mammogram. I did freak out a little bit, but mostly it just added a drop more to my sadness. Making me want to kick FF again.

Times like this, I wish I knew some kind of martial art where I could go to a gym / dojo / whatever and kick somebody's ass, but most likely would end up with my own ass getting kicked instead.

Crap.