I Love Being Me

1. I take on technology. Technology wins.
I had to stay at work a little late last night. I also had a shrink appointment, which was about a 90 minute drive away. However, I had used my trusty GPS once and used the Turnpike and Parkway to get there in 60 minutes flat.

Last evening, my GPS most decidedly freaked out when I wanted to get on the Turnpike. It barely stopped short of shrieking in panic. Finally, I turned the thing off after nearly running into a school bus.

I had forgotten that the ghetto does not get plowed. It took me 45 minutes to get through what normally would have been a 15 minute trip.

2. I take on the medical profession. The medical profession wins.
I asked my psychopharmacologist if I could possibly reduce the stunning amount of meds I take. Let's say I take 2 doses of Drug A, 1 dose of Drug B, 3 doses of Drug C,and 2 doses of Drug D. He quizzed me about my behavior of late and said, after pondering long, "How about we cut down to 2 1/2 doses of Drug C?" Fine. Whatever.

3. I take on Nature. Nature wins.
I had also forgotten that Poshtown, where my shrink is, is just too cool to be plowed. This left cars parked all higgledy-piggledy in front of Poshtown High School. I crept forward. The Bullet lurched to the right and I heard a tremendous crack when my car slid on the ice and

4. My Camry takes on another Camry. And wins.
I'm going to start calling my car the Camry Killer. It seems to have a death or damage wish. In this case, I cracked my passenger side mirror, knocking it clean off. And I did the same thing to a silver Camry parked higgledly-piggledy as mentioned previously. I parked. I saw some kids standing around and asked if anyone knew whose car it was. Some kid shambled back into the school and brought out a guy about my age, the owner of the car. I apologized. I gave him my card (honestly, one of the smarter things I've done is to have cards printed up with my name, cell number, and email address). He scribbled his name on a piece of paper. He mumbled something about how unusual it was that I would have stopped. But honestly? It was karma. Because, uh, when I was in Blue Collarville a month ago, I, uh...hit and run. Another mirror bites the dust. So I come humbly before Karma. Bring it. For some reason, he wanted my street address. This bothered me, but honestly, how hard would it be to get my address? Not at all.

On my way home from work, I stopped at the Camry dealership and learned it would be $300 to have my mirror replaced. Which means a total of $600. Karma's a bitch.

5. I fought the law and the law won.
As I was going to the dealership along a twisty country road, I spotted a local cop among the underbrush. He looked at me. I looked at him. And I said, "Shit!" Because I was going nearly 50 in a 45 mph zone. Oh. Come on. He won't bust me for that. He pulled out behind me. "Come on," I said. "Come on. Flip those rollers on. You know you want to." And then he did. I pulled over. He came up to the car, asked to see my license and registration (and did not notice the missing mirror!). "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No, sir." I'm sorry. The "sir" stuff is a reflex.

"You were going 47 in a 25 mph zone."

Here I gasped, my eyes went wide and I covered my mouth so I did not say "Holy shit!"

"You a good driver? Record clean?" Um. I think those points I got for speeding on the day Phoebe died are gone now.

"Yes, sir." See? Twice I have lied to an officer of the law. Throw me under the jail.

He took my license and checked me out on SCMODS. I came up clean.

He said, "I'm not going to write you up. Two months ago, they changed the speed limit from 35 to 25."

I gulped.

"Slow it down."

"Yes, sir."

6. I take on Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell wins.

Tinkerbell has decided she hates me. Yes, um, (cough) there was the forgotten project (oops) but that was three months ago. Get over it. But no. She hates me. I can't say I'm stung by this.

We rarely have to be in the same room together, although I am daily treated to the hilarious hi-jinx of her new hubby and their dog, via the cubicle walls.

One time when I walked into a meeting to which I had been invited and she was there, she had frowned at me and said, "You're not on this project." So I shrugged and left.

Today I walked into a conference room and Tinkerbell was already there. I put my notebook down on the table and said, "Am I disrupting the time-space continuum by having the two of us in the same room?"

I thought it was an innocent enough question, but she glared at me.

The meeting went on. I have to admit, I've lately been swamped with projects and hadn't read the specs for this project. Tinkerbell furiously took notes and then looked up and muttered to the woman next to her, "Obviously I'm going to end up doing both of THESE projects, too!" I opened my mouth to protest.

However, I'd been approached by a contracting company to go to Even Eviler Bank - for $20K more a year. No interview yet. Early days yet.

Tinkerbell then began putting on a show. She normally wears her clothes skin tight and today was no exception. She has long, greasy-ish looking brown hair and unwound it from a bun, leaned far back in her chair, arms raised over her head and her sweater was so tight, I could see her ribs. And her padded bra. She spent some time with this performance and repeated it twice more in a one hour meeting.

She gave me the stink-eye once and then did not look at me once during the meeting. And I'm thinking - wha?

7. In conclusion. I'm thinking of taking more than one of Drug C and calling it a freakin' m******f****** night.